Escape artist

I am an escape artist? I never knew that! But it is good to know that I am a rare species. Go take the quiz. I know you have time.

Dreams

We've got to have a dream if we are going to make a dream come true.
- Denis Waitley

What you choose to focus your mind on is critical because you will become what you think about most of the time.
- Noel Peebles

After reading Jerry's MSN nick, I kinda have this sense of revolt. I mean, who is he to say that, "Who am I to dream? Dreams are for fools, they let you down". Clearly he has never had a dream come true :) But then with a name like "Peebles", he doesn't seem to have too much credibility. But it's still better than Jerry.

Always stuck in second gear...

So no one told you life was gonna be this way
Your jobs a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A.

It's like you're always stuck in second gear
And it hasn't been your day, your week, your month,
or even your year
but..

I'll be there for you
When the rain starts to pour
I'll be there for you
Like I've been there before
I'll be there for you
'Cuz you're there for me too...

You're still in bed at ten
And work began at eight
You've burned your breakfast
So far... things are goin' great

Your mother warned you there'd be days like these
Oh but she didn't tell you when the world has brought
You down to your knees that...

I'll be there for you
When the rain starts to pour
I'll be there for you
Like I've been there before
I'll be there for you
'Cuz you're there for me too...

No one could ever know me
No one could ever see me
Seems you're the only one who knows
What it's like to be me
Someone to face the day with
Make it through all the rest with
Someone I'll always laugh with
Even at my worst I'm best with you, yeah

It's like you're always stuck in second gear
And it hasn't been your day, your week, your month,
or even your year...

I'll be there for you
When the rain starts to pour
I'll be there for you
Like I've been there before
I'll be there for you
'Cuz you're there for me too...

I'll be there for you
I'll be there for you
I'll be there for you
'Cuz you're there for me too...

- The Rembrandts

There is only one God

The Muslims and Christians were right. There is only one God.

This is an ode to you, Monsieur Thierry Henry!

Midterm Grade Report

"It appears from your grades that you are experiencing difficulties which, if continued, could compromise your academic standing. Let me encourage you, therefore, to make every effort to find ways of improving your academic work. Your advisor, this office, and the university counselling personnel are available to help if you wish. Please do not hesitate to seek such assistance".

Margaret E. Kastner, Ph.D.
Assistant Dean, College of Arts and Sciences

My closest thing to a D in college, ladies and gentlemen. What happened to the freaking genius who always aced math classes? Spare me the sarcasm. I got a D in my statistical modelling exam. As much as I can blame the teacher, it is as little as it is my fault that I got a D in the exam. It wasn't that the exam was extremely difficult. It was just the way the the marks were allocated. Some 2 line answers were worth 10 marks, while some 7 line answers were worth only 15 marks. It didn't make sense to me. But most of all, the material in the course is seriously taught poorly. I was told by the professor that the class average was lower than my grade. What the hell does that mean? The average is a fail? I am not even angry or frustrated. I feel ridiculed. Alright, I did get a B- in Real Analysis, but Jesus Christ! It's Real Analysis. How does that compare to stats modelling? I don't know. I need someone to freaking convince me not to drop this course. I don't even need this course at all. But I am not one who gives up... and it's not that I don't work hard enough. I've never worked so hard since JC days. Man....

You Know You're a Mathematician When...

Disclaimer: This is not a joke about mathematicians

Just last week, my Cultural Anthropology professor gave us a list of about 50 words to study for the exam. We were required to pick 5 words out of the 14 that he will choose from that initial 50 and define them. You know you're a mathematician when you spend your study time calculating the minimum number of words you need to study to be 90% confident so that know at least 5 words. It is obvious that to be 100% confident you know at least 5 words, you just have to study 41 words. What? It's not obvious? OK, for those of you who are slower, studying 41 words meant that you miss out 9 words. Assuming that ALL 9 words you did not study were in the professor's list, the 5 remaining words in his list would definitely coincide with yours. Of course being 100% confident is not the most efficient and practical thing to do from a statistical viewpoint. So 90% is good enough. For those of you lazy bums who choose not to work out the answer, and are dying to to know what is the minimum number of words that need to be studied...

Well, I never calculated it. I don't know if I am a mathematician.

Evariste Galois (edited)

Here is the edited version version of my paper. I corrected a lot of the errors as well as simplified the mathematics for those of you who are slower.

One of my assignments this week was to write a short paper about a deceased mathematician who contributed in the field of abstract algebra. The mathematician of my choice was Evariste Galois (pronounced "Gal-wa"). Some of you may not have heard of him, but the most famous of his discoveries is to prove using group theory that there is no formula in which polynomials of degree 5 and above can be solved as opposed to quadratic formulas that most of us are familiar with. There are formulas for polynomials of degree 4 and 5 and these can be easily researched in some advanced mathematics book if you decide to explore them. Anyway, here is my short paper on Galois. Hope you enjoy it.

The Life and Death of Evariste Galois

We know that Abel’s death was caused by poverty, but Galois’ death was a consequence of the stupidity of others. “Galois’ short life serves as a great example of the triumph of crass stupidity over untamable genius. Throughout his life, his magnificent powers were shattered before the mass stupidity aligned against him, and he was beaten by one unconquerable fool after another.” [1]

Galois was born on October 25, 1811 and lived a happy life until he was twelve. The only teacher he had until then was his mother. She taught him Greek, Latin and religion where she imparted her own skepticism about religion to her son. Galois' father was an important man in the community and in 1815 he was elected mayor of Bourg-la-Reine. [2]

At the age of twelve, Galois started formal schooling at the Louis-le-Grand in Paris. The school was like a prison. The intolerable conditions led to a strike among the students, leaving those involved expelled. Galois was not one of them. Because of his mother’s excellent instructions, he won many prizes. He also gained something more lasting than prizes. He gained the “conviction that neither fear nor the utmost severity of discipline can extinguish, that is the sense of justice and fair dealing in young minds experiencing their first unselfish devotion. [1]

Even though Galois’ school experiences were tumultuous, it was his first exposure to mathematics. February 1827 was a turning point in Galois' life. He discovered the splendid geometry of Legendre and was greatly inspired. Later on, he read Abel’s works and absorbed the masterpieces of algebraic analysis at the mere age of fifteen [1]. He quickly became absorbed in mathematics and his director of studies wrote

It is the passion for mathematics which dominates him. I think it would be best for him if his parents would allow him to study nothing but this. He is wasting his time here and does nothing but torment his teachers and overwhelm himself with punishments.

Galois' school reports began to describe him as singular, bizarre, original and closed. It is interesting that perhaps the most original mathematician who ever lived should be criticized for being original. [2]

In 1828 Galois took the examination of the École Polytechnique but failed because he did not know some basic mathematics [3]. Commenting on his failure, Terquem (editor of the Nouvelles Annales de Mathematiques) remarks

A candidate of superior intelligence is lost with an examiner of inferior intelligence. Because they don’t understand me, I am barbarian [1].

In 1828, at seventeen, Galois met a man who could understand his genius, Louis Richard. Richard recognized Galois’ talents and proclaimed that Galois should be admitted to the Polytechnique without examination. Richard also said that “This pupil has a marked superiority above all his fellow students; he works only at the most advanced parts of mathematics.”

At eighteen, Galois wrote his important research on the theory of equations and submitted it to the French Academy of Sciences for publication. The paper was given to Cauchy for refereeing. Cauchy promised to present this, but he forgot. Worse still, he lost Galois’ abstract. That was the last Galois has ever heard of Cauchy’s generous promise [1].

He failed the École Polytechnique examination again in 1829 shortly after his father’s suicide. The priest of Bourg-la-Reine forged Mayor Galois' name on malicious forged epigrams directed at Galois' own relatives. Galois' father was a good natured man and the scandal that ensued was more than he could stand. He hanged himself in his Paris apartment only a few steps from Louis-le-Grand where his son was studying [2].

His disturbed mental state after his father’s death was part of the reason of his failure. He also did mathematics almost entirely in his head and this annoyed his examiners [3]. This examination has become a legend. During the oral part of the examination, one of the inquisitors ventured to argue a mathematical difficulty with Galois. The man was both wrong and obstinate. Galois lost his patience. He knew he had officially failed. In his rage, he hurled the eraser at his tormentor’s face and hit him.

Galois sent Cauchy further work on the theory of equations, but then learned from Bulletin de Férussac of a posthumous article by Abel which overlapped with a part of his work. Galois then took Cauchy's advice and submitted a new article On the condition that an equation is soluble by radicals in February 1830. The paper was sent to Fourier, the secretary of the Paris Academy, to be considered for the Grand Prize in mathematics. Fourier died in April 1830 and Galois' paper was never subsequently found and so never considered for the prize [2]. After these series of misfortunes, Galois exclaimed, “Genius is condemned by a malicious social organization to an eternal denial of justice in favor of fawning mediocrity” [1].

Galois then spent most of the last year and a half of his life in prison for revolutionary political offenses. To make matters worse, he received a rejection of his memoir in prison. Poisson had reported that “His argument is neither sufficiently clear nor sufficiently developed to allow us to judge its rigor”. In March 1832 a cholera epidemic swept Paris and prisoners, including Galois, were transferred to the pension Sieur Faultrier. There he apparently fell in love with Stephanie-Felice du Motel, the daughter of the resident physician. After he was released on 29 April Galois exchanged letters with Stephanie, and it is clear that she tried to distance herself from the affair. The name Stephanie appears several times as a marginal note in one of Galois' manuscripts.

Galois fought a duel with Perscheux d'Herbinville on 30 May because of his political beliefs [1]. The night before the duel, Galois spent the fleeting hours feverishly dashing off his scientific last will and testament, writing against time to glean a few of the great things in his mind before his death. He wrote in desperation and time and again his thoughts broke off and he wrote in the margin:

There is something to complete in this demonstration. I do not have the time.

Galois was wounded in the duel and was abandoned by d'Herbinville and his own seconds and found by a peasant. He died in Cochin hospital on 31 May 1832 before his 21st birthday. His last wish was for Chevalier, his dearest friend, to send his papers to Gauss and Jacobi. It had been Galois' wish that Jacobi and Gauss should give their opinions on his work. No record exists of any comment these men made. However the papers reached Liouville who, in September 1843, announced to the Academy that he had found in Galois' papers a concise solution “...as correct as it is deep of this lovely problem: Given an irreducible equation of prime degree, decide whether or not it is soluble by radicals. Liouville published these papers of Galois in his Journal in 1846. The theory that Galois outlined in these papers is now called Galois Theory.” [2]. His only enduring monument after his death is his collected works that filled sixty pages [1].

Significance of his work:

During the Middle Ages, mathematicians believed that unlike the quadratic equations, the algebraic formula for solving cubic equations was not possible. In the sixteenth century, Cardano, an Italian mathematician demonstrated that both cubic and quartic equations were solvable by radicals. With Cardano’s publications, mathematicians began in search for algebraic solutions for quintic polynomials. Abel built upon Lagranges’ work and managed to prove that for the general polynomial equation of degree 5 and above is not solvable by radicals. We know this from our ERES reading for Problem Set 4.

Galois extended the question of solvability by radicals in his Memoir on the Conditions for Solvability of Equations by Radicals. The memoir not only provided a theoretical framework for answering the solvability question, but also developed a framework for mathematical theory with far-reaching applications. He translated the problem of solvability into the language of field theory using a primitive form of the idea of an extension field [5]. Galois introduced the idea of what we refer to today as the Galois group. Using the Galois group, Galois was able to analyze a particular splitting field for a given polynomial. His results completely characterized the situation: a polynomial is solvable by radicals precisely when its Galois group admits a certain sequence of normal subgroups.

In solving this problem, Galois founded abstract algebra and group theory, which are fundamental to computer science, physics, coding theory and cryptography. Today, a "Galois connection" is a way of solving challenging mathematical problems by translating them into different mathematical domains, making the original problem amenable to a number of new solution techniques.

*Note to reader: For an example of a quintic polynomial that is not solvable by radicals, refer to page 559 in our textbook [3].

Conclusion:

Like Abel, Evariste Galois did not have a chance to live a full life and to witness the success of his works. Through a series of unfortunate events and wild coincidences, his talent was not duly noted. Cauchy had lost Galois’ abstract while Fourier passed away before he could judge his paper for a prestigious award. Today, Galois is not only remembered by his works, but also by the legends that were created about him. One can hardly forget the image a young talented mathematician throwing a chalkboard eraser at an examiner because of the examiner’s stubbornness and stupidity. Another legend about Galois was that he tried to write down everything he knew about group theory during the night before his duel which caused his tragic passing. To sum his misfortunes accurately, I repeat the quote from Galois:

“Genius is condemned by a malicious social organization to an eternal denial of justice in favor of fawning mediocrity” [1].

Bibliography

[1] Bell, Eric Temple, Men of Mathematics, Simon and Schuster, 1937

[2] The MacTutor History of Mathematics archive,

http://turnbull.mcs.st-and.ac.uk/~history/Biographies/Galois.html

[3] Gallian, Joseph A., Contemporary Abstract Algebra, Houghton Mifflin Company, 2002

[4] Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Galois

[5] Gellasch, Amy and Jardine, Dick, From Calculus to Computers, the Mathematical Association of America, 2005

The Big 400

Wow, ever since I started the Web Counter thing, I really didn't expect my blog to have so many visitors. For those of you who have constantly checked up on my blog, I thank you. Not because for boosting my number of visitors. Not because you visited my blog. I thank you because you feel concerned about me (OK, I will take your curiosity as concern). It is an honor for me that you, my friends, have shown the care to even take a look at what ramblings I have. OK, they are not ramblings, I make meaningful posts and my intention is so that people can learn from my thoughts and mistakes. You have played a part in my noble cause, one way or another. You may choose to extend your part by sharing the lessons you have learnt here or forwarding your friends to my blog. Today is a special day because at this instant, my blog has had exactly 400 visits (not all of them from different people). A big thank you to all of you, for being my friends.

The Bucknell I Know

For some reason, this year feels so different from the rest of the years I have had at Bucknell. So far, I haven't played a single game of Warcraft on BattleNet. So far, I am still very focused on getting things done. So far, I am still in the mood to do work. So far, I feel so energized. I remember just last year, I wasn't really all that into Bucknell. Maybe because I was leaving a large part of me behind in Malaysia. Somehow, this year feels different. Even though I did leave a large part of me behind, it feels as if I am not going to be away for long.

I am really looking forward to getting things in motion, going out there to do my best. Last semester, I thought I was going to score a 4.0 GPA or something, but within a few weeks, I realized how foolish I was to think that I could. Number Theory killed me. Even without that, I had Modern Development of Philosophy and that, even though wasn't too hard, it was almost impossible (for me) to get an A. I ended up with an A- and a humbling experience.

But once bitten, not yet shy is what I say. I am aiming for a 4.o all over again. This is in view of the fact that I am taking 5 subjects and "easier" ones at that. Computer Science (Java 5) should not cause too many problems, while the 2 Math courses really depend on my effort. Econ 258 sounds difficult, being a W2, and also especially since I have 2 W2 courses this semester. Finally, I have this Intro to Cultural Anthropology which sounds fun. I mean I just came back from our first class and the teacher seems really great!

Good start to a hopefully good semester, even though things just don't feel the same at Bucknell anymore.

V for Vendetta

Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.

I am still figuring what this really means as I post this. If you do that before I do, please enlighten me. As most of you would realize from the title, if not having watched the movie, I took this from the movie V for Vendetta. If this quote alone is not enough to make you watch this movie, I don't know what is. It's just cool just to hear him say it. You will be like, "WTF?". Don't say I didn't warn you.

Our Deepest Fear

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

- Marrianne Williamson -

Time of Your Life

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

- Greenday -

I can't talk about my holiday and about where I just went or what I did in the past few weeks. But I most certainly did have the time of my life. This is the kind of happiness that can never be bought. Thank you for this chance.

Remember The Name

This is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill
Fifteen percent concentrated power of will
Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain
And a hundred percent reason to remember the name!

- FoRT MiNoR -

These words keep ringing in my ears for some reason. I think if you read it enough times, it should inspire you. Or if reading is not your thing, try the song. I think it's great.

History Repeats Itself

I have never been one to believe that history will ever repeat itself. In fact, I am one to believe that lightning would never strike the same place twice. Today, the hand of the divine has once cast it's flashing bolt of lightning through my mind, my heart, my body and my soul. Lightning has struck on me again.

Approximately two years ago, my ex-girlfriend, MH broke up with me because she believed that she had no feelings for me anymore. One of the main reasons for this lost of love was because I had made the decision to study in the US, one which I am coming to regret at this point in time. I blame my childish dream of wanting to go to the "promised land". The hurt and pain I have to go through today will never be compensated by whatever little knowledge and exposure that I might gain from my short stint in the land of freedom, the land where "all dreams come true".

Back to the story. During the time MH broke up with me, I felt so lost, so confused. I don't even feel like I did anything wrong. I tried my best to hold on to her, I tried my best to give her whatever meagre attention I could during my time away, but nothing beats the intimacy of physical presence. How naive I was for underestimating its significance. It was a pity that I would lose the girl that I would have given everything for. But I guess promises are just never enough.

Anyhow, two years after my sad story, I am staring at history straight at its face yet again. The same familiar story is unfolding itself right before my very eyes and just as it was two years ago, I have no way of stopping it. Just a few hours ago, Ern told me that she doesn't have feelings for me anymore. Initially, I felt my heart dropped, it wasn't like it was sinking slowly like Titanic to the bottom of the ocean, but it was more like the screaming people who jumped from the ship, falling into the sea of darkness, the sea of abandon. Then before you realize the true impact of the situation, the pain and hurt of being rejected, the pain of being betrayed, not by love, but rather, the lack of it, sears through your heart, shredding it like a piece of glass into a million pieces. The deafening sound of breaking glass echoing through the air, and it's the only sound you can hear because you are drowning, alone in the sea of darkness, the sea of abandon.

Some people may say, I am the one asking for trouble. I was fully aware of the risks of having a long distance relationship, yet I chose the road less traversed. Not only did I choose the road less travelled by, I chose the winding road, the road that I know will lead to a cliff and only with a leap of faith shall I realize the rewards of a true believer. I have come to this cliff now. There has never been turning back in life, and there never will be. I have come to this cliff.

I have two choices. One: to take the easy way out, to jump, and wish that at the bottom of this cliff is a great big ocean to cushion my fall, and to wish that hopefully, at the end of this fall, there will be a new road for me, a road to another life, another love, another dream. Two: to take this so called "leap of faith", to go with the unknown, to jump, and hope that I reach the other side, or rather, to hope that there is another side. Or perhaps, I shall fall into this bottomless pit, where I shall keep on falling, forever, never to find out if there was another side, never to find out if I could have reached the other side, never to find out if there was another life to lead at the bottom of my fall, stuck in the sands of time. For those of you who are slower than others, basically, my choices are to get on with life, in search of someone new, OR to hold on to this dream even though as hopeless as it may seem, faith will keep me alive (hopefully). The only drawback is that I shall never find out if there would be another girl, a better one, waiting for me, or another life.

I don't know if I should feel sad, or if I should feel angry, or if I should feel depressed out of my mind, or if I should feel betrayed. I guess I am feeling all of that at the same time. I could never understand how someone can just stop loving the person that they most love just like that. All I can think of is just the lack of effort to think about your partner, the lack of effort to stay in touch... and with all this lack of effort, it just shows that he or she was never really in love all that much in the first place. This just pisses me off. I don't want to be pissed off. Should I feel "oh-so-sad" for my sorry ass? What's there to be sad about? Some say good riddance. But what have I lost? You can't lose what you never had.

Well, there's nothing like having a blog. You can always spill your beans to the world and then retract them later. Looks like I am not going to get any sleep today. I am surprised that I haven't even shed a tear. I guess I already chose my path. The power of hope has the ability to hold a million pieces of glass together, the ability to silence the deafening sound of breaking glass, and best of all, the power of hope allows us to give ourselves a second chance. When our situation is dire and when all avenues seem to lead to certain death, hope can take us out alive.

"Only hope can shine the brightest light in the darkest of hours" - Shihong

You can only have it once

It is so cliched for people to say that we often watch life go by without finding time to stand and stare. In other words, people oftentimes do not show enough appreciation towards the great things in life that they have been blessed with. This sounds so boring. They then add that "We don't know what we have until it's gone". How naive!

I had it. I held on to it as hard as I could. I appreciated every single moment of it. I would love to just have it for one little moment once again. It's not true. I knew right from the start what I stand to lose even before it was gone. It's not true. The reason why we don't find time to stand and stare, and to appreciate the beautiful things in life is that we have found a special something so beautiful that everything else just seems to pass us by. Nothing else really mattered. Some people get it, and get to hold on to it forever. Others, they get it, and lose it forever. Whatever it is, you can only have it once. I had it once.

Sometimes...

I'm just feeling a little nostalgic. Just posting songs that talk about my life in the past and also the lessons I've learnt.

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

Too Serious Too Soon

I wonder where you where
I wonder what your thinking about tonight
I wonder
Maybe your alone
Maybe you’ve been crying just like me
I wonder
I don’t know why I lost your touch
Maybe I wanted to be loved too much

Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me
I wanted to be there for you like no one else before
Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me

It’s been a rainy afternoon
Now I’m staring at the moon
Thinking we got too serious, too soon

I told you every day
I told you every night in every way
I love you

Maybe you got scared
Maybe I have nothing else to say
But I love you
So baby now my life’s a mess
Cause i’m
Cos I couldn’t love you any less

Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me
I wanted to be there for you like no one else before
Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me

It’s been a rainy afternoon
Now I’m staring at the moon
Thinking we got too serious, too soon

Too soon
It’s not right
It’s not fair
It’s in you baby cuts like a knife
What if you were the love of my life

Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me
I wanted to be there for you like no one else before
Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me

We got too serious to soon
I wanted to be there for you like no one else before
Too serious too soon
I wanted you too love me

It’s been a rainy afternoon
Now I’m staring at the moon
Thinking we got too serious, too soon

To that special someone. You may never realize who you are, even if you are reading this, but this song says what I have always wanted to say to you. It's been a pleasure.

No Restraints... But Regrets?

Now, more than one person has said this to me: "You are so confident about what you think that you do not care about what others feel. You do not give a damn about what other people think about you. How do you expect people to listen to you?"

The first time I heard similar words was from the mouth of my girlfriend. I always thought that we should be ourselves as we should be accepted as being who we are. When I heard that phrase the second time just this morning, I realized that I have never hid who I am. But that was just an excuse for me; an excuse to hide my inability to restrain myself. Why do I always feel that I am so right? Because I am? Well, that's not the important question. Why can't I ever learn to listen to people? Why do I not have the patience to play along? It's not because I do not care about how other people feel. It's actually because I do. The problem with me is that I expect everyone to think like me. I am the kind of person that gets things done. If I have a problem, I find out what I can and cannot do, and I do what I can and leave the rest to fate (another way of saying that I am satisfied with my efforts, especially if I did my best).

Some other people, like to dwell on problems. It is as if they love the misery. But in reality, it's most likely that this is not the case. I apologize for saying what I did to you (you know who you are). However, apologies are always too little too late. I have promised Li Ern never to succumb to my rashness, but I have done it again. But at least this time, it's not towards her. Apparently she approves if I do it against other people. As long as she doesn't have to face my wrath (is it really that scary to hear the truth?)

The cons of knowing someone like me is that you hear things you don't want to hear about yourself. I am a straightforward as I come. No restraints. I used to believe that I have no regrets. Wonders of having a love life. Life-altering experience. Sacrifice, patience, perseverence: it takes more to love someone than to make Powerpuff girls. The only moments in life that can make you happy and sad at the same time. That's when you know you're in love (That's how I tell, I guess).

Anyways, enough about the cheesy stuff. Back to reality. Change is in accord. I have a previous blog regarding promises. The rules of promises. Never make a promise you can't keep. I promised I will change. I promise to keep my promise.

About Teaching How to Fish...

I have been gone for 2 days, well, gone as in, gone from the on-line world. I was away at a chess camp for the Penang State Team. My duty there was to coach the Penang state team in preparation for the coming MSSM. One of the hardest questions that I am asked quite frequently is, what subject matter should you touch on when you coach the elite of the junior chess players in Penang.

Last year, I gave a lecture on "How to plan?". I used Stephen Covey's idea of "Begin with the end in mind" to help the students think of plans during their games. I do not believe in teaching students about where to move, and where you should put your pieces, etc. In short, I do not believe in giving the fish to people. I believe in teaching them how to fish. Hence, by teaching them how to plan, in a way teaches them how to think in chess. Now, instead of just having moves to follow from chess books, the students will be able to formulate plans for themselves. Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day, teach a man how to fish, and he is fed for life.

So this year, in accordance to my believes in improving as a chess player, I decided to talk about "How not to lose a losing game?" What a fascinating topic. One can almost believe that I can perform miracles. I just used a catchy title but my most important point is that even though it is frustrating to play in a losing position, we can try to make it very difficult for the opponent to win. It is more frustrating not being able to win a won game than to play a losing game.

In addition, I also believe that there is more to my teachings than just about chess. I believe that my lessons can also be applied in life. Stephen Covey's idea clearly functions as one of the seven habits of highly successful people. Also, the idea about making it difficult for your opponent to win is a way of overcoming tough situations. Even though we might face tremendous odds, we should still perservere. Even when frustration kicks in, patience will give us a chance to overcome the odds.

So, if you are reading this, you have just learnt 2 important lessons about life. Pay it forward!

Decisions

Decisions are never easy. The more choices we have, the harder it is for us to decide which path we are going to take. This is simply because there is no turning back in life. If there was a "rewind" button to life, we could just pick any choice we want and just rewind to the juncture where me made a decision that led to an undesirable outcome. But it is obvious life's not like that. So here's a dedication to Jerry, who has to make, what is possibly, in many people's eyes, the decision of his life. Cheers, mate. All's well, end's well.

If a man cannot choose, he ceases to be a man - Anthony Burgess, "A Clockwork Orange"

Although every man believes that his decisions and resolutions involve the most multifarious factors, in reality they are a mere oscillation between flight and longing - Herman Broch

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. "Which road do I take?" she asked. "Where do you want to go?" was his response. "I don't know," Alice answered. "Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter." - Lewis Carroll

When choosing between two evils, always choose the one you haven't tried yet - Mae West

Decisions usually aren't between good and bad, they are between bad and worse, and it's often not clear which choice is worse - Mark Stosberg

May all your decisions be swift and deadly - Shihong :)

There is always more than one way to get to where we want to be. If we miss a turn, just take the next. See you at the top, buddy!

Why Do I... ?

I believe it is safe to assume that any rational human being will at one point or another question him/herself "Why did I do this?" It is only natural that we question our intentions on all conscious acts. I mean we don't ask why do we breathe and ponder over it for hours because we simply have to breathe. But on occasions, we ponder our intentions and wonder if things would turn out differently if we had done something else. Sometimes, we ponder our intentions and wonder if what we are doing, makes sense. By this, I mean, we naturally wonder if what we did has any meaning in it. It's probably synonymous to asking "What is the meaining of life?"

But rather than asking yourself this never-ending question, you can try asking, "Do I like what I am doing?". Does why we do what we do really matter? Why am I so engrossed in such a philosophical matter? Because I am retarded. When I am done with this, you will think I am hilarious.

As some of you might know, I quit Warcraft some time ago and decided to pick up new hobbies. That was the period when I started questioning my own actions. I figured that I should focus on doing what is good for my life and my future. I decided that playing computer games was not good for me and that I should be focussing on straightening my life, studying, doing my resume, focus my energy on getting an internship and hope that I land upon a great job opportunity. Basically, I asked myself, "Why am I playing computer games?" Should I be playing computer games, now that I am close to being 22 already? So I quit Warcraft and all other games.

But recently, I started playing Warcraft again. Is it a bad thing? No, I am not asking you. It's a rhetorical question. When I started playing again, especially AT (Arranged Teams), I felt the adrenaline rush all over again, a feeling I did not have for a long time. AT is all about quick decision-making, fast reactions, and most importantly, the competitive spirit. All teams are motivated by their desire to win, to overcome the opposition, to achieve a sense of victory that is probably lacking in their lives in other areas :) So I am glad I have found the rush again. I have no regrets.

So now you know what my philosophical argument with myself is about. It's just about Warcraft 3. Perhaps it's more than that. Perhaps it's what I have just chosen to do with my life. I have decided to live for the moment, and decided to do what excites me, to do what makes me happy right now, than to focus on what COULD make me happy in the future. Warcraft rules!

Pulp Fiction

If you've ever seen Pulp Fiction, you'd say it's an awesome show. Here are a few funny quotes from the movie.

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee - Jules

If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions - Jules

That's how you're gonna beat them, Butch, they keep underestimating you - Butch

Jeeez... Am I that good??

Just a few minutes ago, some girl asked me about crystallization of salt. How many moles of water is in the crystallized form of CaSO4? I mean, I haven't done chemistry for 5 years. But why was I able to solve it? It's all thinking. People NEED TO THINK! She told me that she read the formula in the book and didn't understand what to do. Man, that just pisses me off. Why do we need formulas in the books. We live in this ridiculous culture of education. The teachers teach you something, show you the example, then you follow the exact same way to solve the problems that they assign you. What have you learnt in the end? TO FOLLOW EXAMPLES!! I am not saying that's a bad thing, but people should really think about how to solve the problem before reading the example. In real life, usually, when you face a problem, there isn't going to be a textbook for you to look at the examples, and by following steps 1,2,3 and 4, problem solved! That's just absurd. There's no handbook to life. You've gotta figure everything out for yourself.

So how do you solve the abovementioned question? Think mols. I mean someone who asked that question should at least know what a mole is. So guess what, I asked her what a mole is, and she gave me all that crap definition about the Avogadro number and all that crap. Perhaps I didn't make myself clear. What is your idea of a mole? Most people's mind just jump to, Avogadro number... Avogadro number... NO, YOU FREAKING ZOMBIES!! A mole is THE AMOUNT OF SUBSTANCE... gosh... My dad always told me that the most important part of the definition of something is always after the word "IS". So there you go, AMOUNT OF SUBSTANCE. So in order to solve that previous question, you figure out the amount of moles of CaSO4 you have, and that's precisely the amount of crystallized CaSO4 you have. Why? Because the amount of CaSO4 in CaSO4 did not change, since of course, we assume there is sufficient water to crystallize all of the calcium sulphate. So by figuring out the amount of moles of CaSO4.xH20, we can easily figure out what x is via the ever famous ratio of mass and molecular mass. Despite not doing chemistry for 5 years, I was still able to solve this problem, all through deduction, that the amount of moles of CaSO4 cannot change.

My critical thinking skills amaze myself sometimes... If you want to survive in this world, stop depending on your textbooks, coz you ain't getting any help in the real world.

House MD

I know I am crazy. I just watched 17 episodes of house in less than 48 hours while attending classes and the like. But it's just so addictive. I find House's sarcasm interesting and highly entertaining. I kinda have a feeling that I might actually grow up like him. Anyways, here is a quote I would like to share that I picked up from the show:

"If you're a jerk, you're either great or unemployed"

This is my new inspiration. I know I have been a jerk to many people in my life. I AM a jerk. I can't help it. So within a few years time, if someone does employ me, you know what that means. No, it doesn't mean you have to bow down to me. All I ask is, just accept the fact that I am a jerk.

Quotable Quotes Part 2

If you love something, and you let it go, you're fucking stupid

Effort is not about how much you speak for your work, it's how much your work speaks for you

These are actually 2 original quotes from me. I give you people full rights to quote me. Cheers!

Quotable Quotes

Most people panic, those who don't are those who fail - Ern

The trouble with trouble is that it always starts out as fun

You can't lose what you never put on the table, but you can't win a lot either

Against overwhelming odds, you will lose

Never test depth of water with both feet

These are just a few of my life's principles. Something that I thought would be interesting for you chuckers to ponder about. I know barely anyone reads my blog, but at least I get shit off my mind. Someday, this (my blog) could be worth a lot of money. The insights to MY mind.

Perseverance

per·se·ver·ance (noun)

Definition:
determined continuation with something: steady and continued action or belief, usually over a long period and especially despite difficulties or setbacks

Brooksbank (my Math 311 (Number Theory) professor, who happens to be British; all the engineering girls think he's cute, no idea why I gave that information but get on with it!) just returned our Number Theory exam today and I got a B- on that. I am resigned to getting a B- at the end of the semester, and in fact, I would be very surprised if I got anything higher. Am I disappointed? Not really. I thought I would end up doing worse. It was an insanely hard exam and to be honest, I think he was rather lenient with the marking already. I would have been killed if he had picked on my proofs very strictly. For example, I claimed that the GCD (10, n) = 1 (for you math noobs, GCD (10, n) is the greatest commond divider of 10 and n) just so that I could use Euler's Theorem to make my proof neat. But then, GCD (10,n) was not necessarily 1 and that I could have done the proof through the methods of reduced residue sets, which is one of my weakest areas. My understanding of reduced residues and primitive roots are very shakey. But after the exam, I felt like I understood them more. I had to study them, work on them, over and over again, just trying to prove the stuff that was required of me.

Upon hindsight, I saw myself giving up. The exam was due on Wednesday and on Wednesday morning itself, I woke up at 9 a.m. just to work on it. My classes start at 12 p.m. so I had 3 hours. I turned off my computer, and just sat there and focused really hard. But at 10.45 a.m. I resigned to my fate. I gave up working, turned on my computer, and started procrastinating. I played some computer games, even though I told myself that I already quit. But the essence of the situation was that, I gave up.

BUT, here comes the big BUT, as I reflect upon it, right here, right now, did I regret not working harder? I don't. I think I did my best, and that's the best a man can do. That was my vow to Ern, and I think I should stand true to it. When I looked at the solutions of those problems, there was no way I would have figured those out to that detail. I could never have escaped my fate. I had no regrets. But when I think about it right now, even though I gave up, I persevered. I tried and tried.

per·se·ver·ance (noun)

Definition:
determined continuation with something: steady and continued action or belief, usually over a long period and especially despite difficulties or setbacks

DESPITE DIFFICULTIES AND SETBACKS...

Anger Management

I think I need some form of anger management therapy. Have you people watched Anger Management? There are 2 kinds of angry people. People who vent their anger and lose their temper on almost every setback and there's the quiet angry people. These are the people that keep all their anger inside and these are precisely the people who end up bringing a 9 calibre to school and blow everyone's brains out. I am the latter.

I tell other people and myself that I do not get angry easily. In fact, I don't appear angry at all. No matter how bad things happen to me, it seems that I always remain calm. But in actual fact, when I think about it, I am an angry person. What triggered this self-reflection? This morning, the morning I was looking forward to for the past week, I was supposed to wake up at 8 a.m. and call Ern, and after calling her for 4 times, she finally picked up. To my utter disappointment, she forgot that I was going to call her and she was out for supper with her friends. I was pretty sad about the whole thing and I told her to message me when she got back to the room. At 10 a.m., which was 12 a.m. where she was, I called her again and this time, she only picked up after 15 times. I know, I know, I am desperate. It's past midnight and I was afraid she wasn't OK, since she didn't message me.

Anyways, our conversation wasn't really pretty. She was still out and she was only heading back. What can I say? She will definitely be tired when she reaches back to her apartment and she refuses to wake up early the next day. So she told me to wait till she gets back to Penang and we will talk on Sunday. Well, this seems like a minor issue, but when she hung up, I got so angry that I chucked the phone. I did not vent my anger on her. I was just pissed about the whole thing. Is it even possible for you to forget that your boyfriend/girlfriend is going to call you? Man, this pisses me off. Since I have no other avenue of venting my anger, other than almost breaking my phone, I decided to blog my piss out.

Man... I just realized I am an angry person. I need help.

Another Beginning

Another chapter of my life has ended and another has just begun. Quitting Warcraft was maybe the hardest decision I have made so far. I know, you think I am crazy. You will not understand if you do not take Warcraft as a religion like I did. I have been playing W3 ever since it was released in 2003. Then I moved on the Frozen Throne (TFT). We played all kinds of custom games e.g. TD, AOS, RPG, and almost everything downloadable under the sun.

For the past year, we (Kok and I) have been training hard in AT (Arranged Teams 2v2). We played almost everyday and at almost every opportunity we had. Also, throughout my W3 carreer, I have watched over 150 replays from various professional players and was inspired by great players such as Madfrog, Grubby and Satiini, all of whom have great strategy and skills.

Why all this nostalgia? Do I miss the game? Definitely. What comes as a surprise is that I did not feel or show any signs of withdrawal. I am perfectly comfortable with getting on with my life without W3. I have moved on. W3 was like a 2nd gf to me (Haha.. kidding). Why did I quit? I don't know. One day, I just felt like I wanted to quit computer games and get my act together. I quit ALL computer games; uninstalled all the games on my computer and now, I have so much space on my computer to download movies.

Well, no reason to fuss about quitting W3. It was a big decision. No regrets. Life goes on. Just felt like getting my shit together.

The week after

What lies ahead after Spring Break? For starters, no, I did not go to the beach and oogle at hot babes in bikinis cut out of handkerchiefs. Though, now that I think about it, why didn't I do it? Well, of course, $MONEY$. If only I had money. *Daydreams*

OK, I snapped out of it. Well, this week is the week after Spring Break and everything has been going well so far. Light work load, post Spring Break catch-up by the professors (not that they are tired, just that they are letting the students get back on their feet). But good news all the way... so far.

For starters, something bad (REAL BAD) happened over break and of course, since this is a public blog, I will not go into details. But, I managed to resolve whatever the problem was, and hopefully, life can continue normally, now that all parties involved in this issue are relieved that the problem is over.

Next up, taxes. I just did my taxes (Yeah, I actually have important stuff to do!). During the course of this, I found out that the US government actually taxed my scholarship. How ridiculous!!?? What is the purpose of a tax on scholarships? It defeats the purpose of the scholarship. Retarded Americans. Anyways, it is also my fortune that I can reclaim this "substantial" amount from the government, although I will only receive the money god knows how long from now. Well, at least I get the money back. I feel richer.

*BONUS* Well I didn't really expect this, but my class has been cancelled tomorrow and I do not have to wake up at all. But the problem with me is, I wake up anyway. The good part is, I just got done with episode 13 of season 1 of the TV series, Numb3rs. So, that means, I might finish it by tonight or tomorrow, depending on whether Matt is kind enough to send me the rest of the episodes.

Oh well, life is sailing smoothly. About 2 more months and back to Malaysia I go, and in about 3 more months, I'll get to see my darling again.

Inspire me... Inspire me not...

Ever wonder how does one get inspired? I don't mean motivated as in... motivated to do work when you are procrastinating, but actually inspired... when you feel like you really want to do that something that you know will make you feel great for the rest of your life. You ever had that kind of feeling?

Well, one way we often get inspired is through the experiences of others. It could be as simple as watching a movie, where you see how someone had to go through hardships to achieve the extraodinary, the feel good kind of movie where the ending is always happy. For example, a movie like "Miracle", where the US Olympic Ice Hockey team defeated the Soviet Union in the 1982 winter olympics when it was thought to be impossible. Anyways, watch it and you will understand. Another such movie would be "Remember the Titans". That is about American Football but the idea is similar.

But what I am trying to point out today is that, recently, I have been inspired by numerous people just by what they have said to me. As mentioned, I am not talking about mere motivation here. But the professors at Bucknell, make an effort to know your work and try their best to inspire you to do the best you can. That's what makes Bucknell different. A lot of people never spent the time to get to know their professors in universities. We tend to regard our professors as just mentors who are there only to impart knowledge upon us. However, at BU, the professors are more than just teachers. They are your friends. I will not go too far as to explain what exactly did some of my professors say to me that inspired me. But when I think about it further, I realize that it is not just the things that they say, but the way they say it. It is kind of gesture, the kind of sincerity and the kind of expression in their face that shows you that not only do they want to help you succeed, but it is their pleasure to see that you actually get where you want to go.

In other words, the professors at BU help you realize your dream. By realize, I do not mean help you find your path, but actually guide you along it. I have not been to any other university besides Bucknell. Hence, I cannot claim that Bucknell has this edge over other universities. However, having such great professors at Bucknell makes me honored to be here. In addition, in the Spring of 2007, I am hoping to study abroad at Melbourne University, one of the top universities in the world. I look forward to the difference in experience, and enrichment that I will get over there.

Ain't No Mountain Low Enough

What the hell am I talking about? One of my friends actually asked me, "Shouldn't it be ain't no mountain high enough?" C'mon! I know what I am saying. I am not retarded. What I am trying to say is that there is nothing in life that is easy enough for my liking. Everything is just so damn hard at the moment. I thought I was gonna get a break with this easy semester, well guess what, God or whoever he is has a funny way of getting back at you. I have 12 hours of classes a week, a schedule that is the envy of every engineer on campus (I would say every student but then we have management majors here:P)

But I had to take Number Theory (Math 311) which is hard as heck. There's like so much crap that I don't even know and I thought I was done with proofs after Real Analysis (Math 308), but NO NO NO... I was far from done. Now instead of proving stuff about real numbers, I have to prove stuff about positive integers. How fun is that?

Another disappointment is Mathematical Statistics (Math 304). What the hell is this insanely difficult assignments. There are more proofs in that class too! Why, why, why me? Dammit... who in the world needs to know the maximum likelihood estimator of the sample distribution parameter? Do you even know what I am talking about? Gosh... Save Our Souls!!

The Big Debate

The biggest debate in Bucknell right now is, "What do you do when you have to inbound the basketball when you are up 2 points with 2.8 seconds remaining?" Naming no names *ahem* DB *ahem* one of the guys in our men's basketball team chucked the ball right to the other end of the court with no one in sight. No one managed to even come close to touching the ball and hence the clock did not start. Northen Iowa inbounded from under Bucknell's basket and scored a 2 to tie the game. Bucknell eventually lost in double overtime.

How pissed are you as a Bucknellian? Some are pissed while others are disappointed. There are 1001 things anyone could have done. But due to time and space constraints, I shall provide you with my personal top 5.

5. Call a timeout (Bucknell had 2 remaining timeouts)
4. Chuck the ball up wherever and cause a free for all on the ball. (It's only 2.8 seconds)
3. Bring all your men up court and chuck it right there and cause a free for all. (Even if they get it, they need to bring the ball up court before they shoot)
2. Chuck it straight at an opposing team member and let it go out of bounds again
1. CHUCK THE BALL REALLY REALLY REALLY HARD at an opposing team member. (There's no way he can catch that)

All in all, a disappointing loss for Bucknell. Bye bye top 25.