This Cannot Be It

This cannot be it. Yet it is.

For many people, the year ends on the 31st of December. For me, the year ends when a new one begins. For many people, their senior years will seem to be the most significant of their lives up to that point. For me, I just felt like I already had the most significant year of my life up to this point. My junior year was full of ups and downs, and most definitely filled with lots of character building experiences. The first semester of junior year seemed to last longer than all other semesters because of a very special vertically challenged, yet horizontally inclined woman who tried to teach me Statistical Modelling. Plus, I was suffering (I like to think that it was induced by this special woman) from what one of my other professors referred to as "senioritis".

Senioritis: Senioritis is an imaginary syndrome attributed to students nearing the end of high school and college in the United States and Canada. Its symptoms can include laziness, procrastination, apathy toward schoolwork, and truancy.

Well, just to clarify, I was most certainly not truant, and definitely not apathetic towards school work. But I was lazy, and I procrastinated. I felt like I needed to get out of college, and do something more practical. But after the long Fall semester ended, I had the great fortune of being able to study abroad in Melbourne. That would probably be the best time of my life, with almost no problems and stress, and also filled with what I reluctantly claim to be, happiness.

However, towards the end of this year, I suffered (not sure if this is the right term, but I will use the word in accordance to what normal people would feel if they had the similar experience) a pretty significant setback. I managed (somehow) to fail my Financial Mathematics final exam which meant that this was my first fail in the history of my life. I am sure many of you feel sorry for me, even those of you who don't know me that well. The trouble with this is, I may have been disappointed for a short while, but for some reason, I can't seem to think of this as a setback. It feels more like an achievement. Mainly because when I keep thinking about why and how I failed the exam, I realized that I have done so much more in terms of my life. I had given my priorities to things that were more important in my life while putting less effort into the exam. I did not expect to fail, don't get me wrong. I did not even give up. But I sure as hell did not study hard enough. I know that for sure because I felt that I needed more time during the exam. This can only happen because of the lack of practice. I know what I lacked. But that was not why I failed, at least not the root of it.

I think I took the path less traveled by. I know many people have read Robert Frost's poem and thought that taking the path less traveled by simply meant choosing the path that is less taken, making an outrageous decision that is contrary to public opinion. But I was later informed that Frost was talking about having two very similar choices, not a choice that fits the norm while another that doesn't. He was talking about making a choice that is less chosen among two very similar and difficult choices. Basically that was what happened before my final exam. I realized that even though doing well in my final exam was very important for my future, I decided that I could afford to not do as well while placing my priorities on where my heart was. I guess Ern's happiness means so much more to me than just a grade on my exam.

That being said, I still feel disappointed about my failure. Many people are shocked, so was I. But in a more positive light, this feels more like an achievement than many of the As that I have throughout college. Not only is this a humbling experience, but it is most definitely eye-opening. Just as Bruce Wayne's father used to ask him when he was a boy,

Bruce, why do we fall? Because we can learn to pick ourselves up.

So I cannot say that I actually fell, but in the eyes of many, I probably did. I am not one to dwell on what others think about me. I just know that in light of such events, I realized that by trusting my heart, no matter what happens, even in the face of the darkest hours, I still feel strong and brave and march on.

It is still a black mark in my otherwise clean history. But as they say,

People who have never failed in life have never really succeeded either.

Is it as simple as that? The justification of my failure? This cannot be it. Yet it is.

Too Fast Too Furious

Immediately our mind races over to the engine throttles and the smooth gear shifts as well as the breakneck speed or the weak drifting, depending on which movie you watched. However, recently, I have discovered something that goes even faster than the nitro-charged street-cars (barring planes and shit), that is, my haste.

Time and again I have failed to think before I speak. Often times, I hurt people and sometimes I infuriate them without realizing what I have done, and what is ultimately worse, without intension. For the better (in terms of length and quality) of my life, I strive to think before I speak. Or so I think. Several events of late have in some sense, humbled me, and in a larger sense kick-started a process of self-reflection and transformation.

Without going into detail, I feel that I have been very careless with the way I speak to people. My sense of humor, albeit sensational (self-praise is no praise), is usually derived at the expense of a certain someone and in most cases, towards the person I am speaking to. Now that I have thought about it more carefully, some of those people must have felt hurt or angry because of my nonchalant comments. In the past, I have always disregarded the feelings of others, mainly because I was ignorant, but also because I couldn't be bothered. Furthermore, I excuse myself by thinking that some people just can't take jokes.

Fortunately, I am an advocate of personal change. For too long I have hurt people without caring. For too long I have let my speech exceed the speed limit, and what's ultimately worse, for too long I have pissed people off without realizing or intending to do so.

Dreams

We've got to have a dream if we are going to make a dream come true.
- Denis Waitley

What you choose to focus your mind on is critical because you will become what you think about most of the time.
- Noel Peebles

After reading Jerry's MSN nick, I kinda have this sense of revolt. I mean, who is he to say that, "Who am I to dream? Dreams are for fools, they let you down". Clearly he has never had a dream come true :) But then with a name like "Peebles", he doesn't seem to have too much credibility. But it's still better than Jerry.

Midterm Grade Report

"It appears from your grades that you are experiencing difficulties which, if continued, could compromise your academic standing. Let me encourage you, therefore, to make every effort to find ways of improving your academic work. Your advisor, this office, and the university counselling personnel are available to help if you wish. Please do not hesitate to seek such assistance".

Margaret E. Kastner, Ph.D.
Assistant Dean, College of Arts and Sciences

My closest thing to a D in college, ladies and gentlemen. What happened to the freaking genius who always aced math classes? Spare me the sarcasm. I got a D in my statistical modelling exam. As much as I can blame the teacher, it is as little as it is my fault that I got a D in the exam. It wasn't that the exam was extremely difficult. It was just the way the the marks were allocated. Some 2 line answers were worth 10 marks, while some 7 line answers were worth only 15 marks. It didn't make sense to me. But most of all, the material in the course is seriously taught poorly. I was told by the professor that the class average was lower than my grade. What the hell does that mean? The average is a fail? I am not even angry or frustrated. I feel ridiculed. Alright, I did get a B- in Real Analysis, but Jesus Christ! It's Real Analysis. How does that compare to stats modelling? I don't know. I need someone to freaking convince me not to drop this course. I don't even need this course at all. But I am not one who gives up... and it's not that I don't work hard enough. I've never worked so hard since JC days. Man....

You Know You're a Mathematician When...

Disclaimer: This is not a joke about mathematicians

Just last week, my Cultural Anthropology professor gave us a list of about 50 words to study for the exam. We were required to pick 5 words out of the 14 that he will choose from that initial 50 and define them. You know you're a mathematician when you spend your study time calculating the minimum number of words you need to study to be 90% confident so that know at least 5 words. It is obvious that to be 100% confident you know at least 5 words, you just have to study 41 words. What? It's not obvious? OK, for those of you who are slower, studying 41 words meant that you miss out 9 words. Assuming that ALL 9 words you did not study were in the professor's list, the 5 remaining words in his list would definitely coincide with yours. Of course being 100% confident is not the most efficient and practical thing to do from a statistical viewpoint. So 90% is good enough. For those of you lazy bums who choose not to work out the answer, and are dying to to know what is the minimum number of words that need to be studied...

Well, I never calculated it. I don't know if I am a mathematician.

The Bucknell I Know

For some reason, this year feels so different from the rest of the years I have had at Bucknell. So far, I haven't played a single game of Warcraft on BattleNet. So far, I am still very focused on getting things done. So far, I am still in the mood to do work. So far, I feel so energized. I remember just last year, I wasn't really all that into Bucknell. Maybe because I was leaving a large part of me behind in Malaysia. Somehow, this year feels different. Even though I did leave a large part of me behind, it feels as if I am not going to be away for long.

I am really looking forward to getting things in motion, going out there to do my best. Last semester, I thought I was going to score a 4.0 GPA or something, but within a few weeks, I realized how foolish I was to think that I could. Number Theory killed me. Even without that, I had Modern Development of Philosophy and that, even though wasn't too hard, it was almost impossible (for me) to get an A. I ended up with an A- and a humbling experience.

But once bitten, not yet shy is what I say. I am aiming for a 4.o all over again. This is in view of the fact that I am taking 5 subjects and "easier" ones at that. Computer Science (Java 5) should not cause too many problems, while the 2 Math courses really depend on my effort. Econ 258 sounds difficult, being a W2, and also especially since I have 2 W2 courses this semester. Finally, I have this Intro to Cultural Anthropology which sounds fun. I mean I just came back from our first class and the teacher seems really great!

Good start to a hopefully good semester, even though things just don't feel the same at Bucknell anymore.

You can only have it once

It is so cliched for people to say that we often watch life go by without finding time to stand and stare. In other words, people oftentimes do not show enough appreciation towards the great things in life that they have been blessed with. This sounds so boring. They then add that "We don't know what we have until it's gone". How naive!

I had it. I held on to it as hard as I could. I appreciated every single moment of it. I would love to just have it for one little moment once again. It's not true. I knew right from the start what I stand to lose even before it was gone. It's not true. The reason why we don't find time to stand and stare, and to appreciate the beautiful things in life is that we have found a special something so beautiful that everything else just seems to pass us by. Nothing else really mattered. Some people get it, and get to hold on to it forever. Others, they get it, and lose it forever. Whatever it is, you can only have it once. I had it once.

No Restraints... But Regrets?

Now, more than one person has said this to me: "You are so confident about what you think that you do not care about what others feel. You do not give a damn about what other people think about you. How do you expect people to listen to you?"

The first time I heard similar words was from the mouth of my girlfriend. I always thought that we should be ourselves as we should be accepted as being who we are. When I heard that phrase the second time just this morning, I realized that I have never hid who I am. But that was just an excuse for me; an excuse to hide my inability to restrain myself. Why do I always feel that I am so right? Because I am? Well, that's not the important question. Why can't I ever learn to listen to people? Why do I not have the patience to play along? It's not because I do not care about how other people feel. It's actually because I do. The problem with me is that I expect everyone to think like me. I am the kind of person that gets things done. If I have a problem, I find out what I can and cannot do, and I do what I can and leave the rest to fate (another way of saying that I am satisfied with my efforts, especially if I did my best).

Some other people, like to dwell on problems. It is as if they love the misery. But in reality, it's most likely that this is not the case. I apologize for saying what I did to you (you know who you are). However, apologies are always too little too late. I have promised Li Ern never to succumb to my rashness, but I have done it again. But at least this time, it's not towards her. Apparently she approves if I do it against other people. As long as she doesn't have to face my wrath (is it really that scary to hear the truth?)

The cons of knowing someone like me is that you hear things you don't want to hear about yourself. I am a straightforward as I come. No restraints. I used to believe that I have no regrets. Wonders of having a love life. Life-altering experience. Sacrifice, patience, perseverence: it takes more to love someone than to make Powerpuff girls. The only moments in life that can make you happy and sad at the same time. That's when you know you're in love (That's how I tell, I guess).

Anyways, enough about the cheesy stuff. Back to reality. Change is in accord. I have a previous blog regarding promises. The rules of promises. Never make a promise you can't keep. I promised I will change. I promise to keep my promise.

Why Do I... ?

I believe it is safe to assume that any rational human being will at one point or another question him/herself "Why did I do this?" It is only natural that we question our intentions on all conscious acts. I mean we don't ask why do we breathe and ponder over it for hours because we simply have to breathe. But on occasions, we ponder our intentions and wonder if things would turn out differently if we had done something else. Sometimes, we ponder our intentions and wonder if what we are doing, makes sense. By this, I mean, we naturally wonder if what we did has any meaning in it. It's probably synonymous to asking "What is the meaining of life?"

But rather than asking yourself this never-ending question, you can try asking, "Do I like what I am doing?". Does why we do what we do really matter? Why am I so engrossed in such a philosophical matter? Because I am retarded. When I am done with this, you will think I am hilarious.

As some of you might know, I quit Warcraft some time ago and decided to pick up new hobbies. That was the period when I started questioning my own actions. I figured that I should focus on doing what is good for my life and my future. I decided that playing computer games was not good for me and that I should be focussing on straightening my life, studying, doing my resume, focus my energy on getting an internship and hope that I land upon a great job opportunity. Basically, I asked myself, "Why am I playing computer games?" Should I be playing computer games, now that I am close to being 22 already? So I quit Warcraft and all other games.

But recently, I started playing Warcraft again. Is it a bad thing? No, I am not asking you. It's a rhetorical question. When I started playing again, especially AT (Arranged Teams), I felt the adrenaline rush all over again, a feeling I did not have for a long time. AT is all about quick decision-making, fast reactions, and most importantly, the competitive spirit. All teams are motivated by their desire to win, to overcome the opposition, to achieve a sense of victory that is probably lacking in their lives in other areas :) So I am glad I have found the rush again. I have no regrets.

So now you know what my philosophical argument with myself is about. It's just about Warcraft 3. Perhaps it's more than that. Perhaps it's what I have just chosen to do with my life. I have decided to live for the moment, and decided to do what excites me, to do what makes me happy right now, than to focus on what COULD make me happy in the future. Warcraft rules!

Another Beginning

Another chapter of my life has ended and another has just begun. Quitting Warcraft was maybe the hardest decision I have made so far. I know, you think I am crazy. You will not understand if you do not take Warcraft as a religion like I did. I have been playing W3 ever since it was released in 2003. Then I moved on the Frozen Throne (TFT). We played all kinds of custom games e.g. TD, AOS, RPG, and almost everything downloadable under the sun.

For the past year, we (Kok and I) have been training hard in AT (Arranged Teams 2v2). We played almost everyday and at almost every opportunity we had. Also, throughout my W3 carreer, I have watched over 150 replays from various professional players and was inspired by great players such as Madfrog, Grubby and Satiini, all of whom have great strategy and skills.

Why all this nostalgia? Do I miss the game? Definitely. What comes as a surprise is that I did not feel or show any signs of withdrawal. I am perfectly comfortable with getting on with my life without W3. I have moved on. W3 was like a 2nd gf to me (Haha.. kidding). Why did I quit? I don't know. One day, I just felt like I wanted to quit computer games and get my act together. I quit ALL computer games; uninstalled all the games on my computer and now, I have so much space on my computer to download movies.

Well, no reason to fuss about quitting W3. It was a big decision. No regrets. Life goes on. Just felt like getting my shit together.

The week after

What lies ahead after Spring Break? For starters, no, I did not go to the beach and oogle at hot babes in bikinis cut out of handkerchiefs. Though, now that I think about it, why didn't I do it? Well, of course, $MONEY$. If only I had money. *Daydreams*

OK, I snapped out of it. Well, this week is the week after Spring Break and everything has been going well so far. Light work load, post Spring Break catch-up by the professors (not that they are tired, just that they are letting the students get back on their feet). But good news all the way... so far.

For starters, something bad (REAL BAD) happened over break and of course, since this is a public blog, I will not go into details. But, I managed to resolve whatever the problem was, and hopefully, life can continue normally, now that all parties involved in this issue are relieved that the problem is over.

Next up, taxes. I just did my taxes (Yeah, I actually have important stuff to do!). During the course of this, I found out that the US government actually taxed my scholarship. How ridiculous!!?? What is the purpose of a tax on scholarships? It defeats the purpose of the scholarship. Retarded Americans. Anyways, it is also my fortune that I can reclaim this "substantial" amount from the government, although I will only receive the money god knows how long from now. Well, at least I get the money back. I feel richer.

*BONUS* Well I didn't really expect this, but my class has been cancelled tomorrow and I do not have to wake up at all. But the problem with me is, I wake up anyway. The good part is, I just got done with episode 13 of season 1 of the TV series, Numb3rs. So, that means, I might finish it by tonight or tomorrow, depending on whether Matt is kind enough to send me the rest of the episodes.

Oh well, life is sailing smoothly. About 2 more months and back to Malaysia I go, and in about 3 more months, I'll get to see my darling again.

Life is a game... Chess is serious

The annual Penang Chess League has recently been completed with my team, the Old Frees ++ (Plus Plus, not double check) winning by a margin of three points. This is by no means an amazing feat. But during the third week of the tournament, we had a scared as we only managed a "meagre" 3.5 point haul in round five and six. This was a horrendous result, watching our 2.5 point lead being cut to only 0.5 by the Mind Chess Enterprise Tutors who blew away OFA Balls2U and PACL A. Both Heng Meng and Cheng Teik could have performed better and we would have a secure final day of the tournament but it was not meant to be. Heng Meng drew both his games against Eoh Thean Keat (OFA Balls2U) and Tan Eng Seong (PACL B) while Cheng Teik drew with Chan Kim Chai (OFA Balls2U) and squandered a completely winning game to the eventual reserve board prize winner, Lim Chin Teng (PACL B).

Despite being only half a point ahead going into the final day, we still pushed on with full confidence, knowing that the Tutors now had to face two tough rivals while we will have a relatively easier time. We swept the last two games 3-0 against OFA D and Renesas A. I managed to score a perfect 8/8 as a bonus and hopefully a morale booster to continue playing chess. I have said time and again that I have quit playing chess for fun and will only play for money. Greedy as it may seem, I still believe that there are more productive things I can do with my time: like playing Warcraft III and talking to Baby.

So anyway, the 1st prize of this tournament was RM 1500 but we have to split it among four people and the way in which we decided to split the money is of course not pulicly disclosed. But I can assure you guys that I can now afford an MP3 player and perhaps buy something nice for my baby. As you can clearly see, chess has been my only source of income this summer. Four Sundays of leisure led to a net revenue of 300 bucks or so. Not too bad for a lazy bum like me.

Boriii.... Yawnz......iing....

I swore to myself I wasn't going to have such an idiotic holiday last year. What do I mean idiotic? Last year, after the A Levels, I did practically nothing for nine months until I went to the US. It was so boring and absolutely unproductive.

The cycle is repeating itself. It has been a month ever since I got back and I am glad to announce that I have been almost equally unproductive. The only productivity I have contributed to society ever since I got back was coaching Baby's sister in chess. That's a new challenge to me as I have neither coached a girl nor an under-12 kid (no offense to kids). Anyways, I feel that she is making good progress but just like all other forms of training, it must be incorporated with self-practice.

Well, other than that, I will be playing chess again this Sunday. As I have told people time and again, I have retired from playing chess for leisure. I only play for money now. It's the only way to make it worthwhile. Also, I have an ulterior motive. Haha... scheming bastard... Baby is also playing in the Chess League and we are just there to see each other. Sounds pathetic, but hey, we take what we can get.

Anyways, I have started writing a short horror story. I am going to make it so creepy it will make Stephen King cringe in his seat when he reads it. Haha... counting the chickens before they are hatched. Oh well... I shall take my time and see how things go.

Right now, I am going to clean my desk and make myself look like an efficient person. Yes, appearance is the first thing to achieve before we become who we want to be. If we want to be a businessman, we have to look like a businessman. If we want to become a lawyer, we have to look like a lawyer. That's life... Cest La Vie...

Sweet 21

No, there is no pattern. I am not intentionally posting on even numbered dates only. I was dead tired yesterday. One of the happiest days of my life, and definitely the best birthday I have ever had. I went out in the morning to help Baby complete her folio and we went out for lunch at Saint's Alp. Had the best chicken bolognaise in my life while Baby had some pasta with virgin olive oil which left a serious olive oil taste in her mouth even hours after we had lunch:P

Well, we then watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith, in Gurney. It was an average movie I'd say, filled with snippets of humor and definitely does not warrant an 18-SG rating. One wonders who rates these movies. Well, this is the second time Baby has eluded the ticket collectors for an above 18 movie. Must have been my old look:(

After the movie, we went shopping for Baby's white shirt for her choir performance. Heck, one cannot imagine how hard it is to find a decent white shirt for a girl. Well, we had to deliberate for over 40 minutes in the fitting room over the shirt that she eventually bought. Yes... you heard me, we were deliberating.

Dinner was superb at Fish n Co. We ordered a Portuguese Chilli Crab each and I must say, dinner was delumptious. Aside from Baby splattering the chilli on her birthday present for me, I'd say everything was great... until Baby insisted on paying the for the food.

Here is a question for you. Should you, as a guy, pay for dinner on your own birthday or should you allow your girlfriend to pay for you? I mean, my manhood is being questioned here. Well, beside the fact that I have treated her to lunch and dinner and the movies the past few times, but isn't giving a girl a good life a man's job? Well, I'd like to know what you think about this.

We went to shop even more after dinner. I don't understand why guys hate shopping that much. Haha... I am not a pussy but seriously, there are fun things about shopping. Anyways, I drove her back to her housing area at about 9.30 p.m. and dropped her back at her house at about 10.20. At the end of the day, I can assure you, it never felt better to be 21:)

Livin' La Vida Loca

Living Good Life. Living Crazy Life. Today was perhaps one of the happiest of my life. I was treated to perhaps one of the most expensive lunches of my life by my girlfriend's mom, and I got a really nice red Nike t-shirt from my Baby and her sister. Lunch was a semi buffet. I ordered the main course of spicy chicken with mushroom sauce and that was super:) But it was perhaps one of the few times in my life that I got the opportunity to taste fresh salmon.

You must understand that I am from a modest upbringing. Luxurious food has never been my staple diet. I cannot help but feel touched by Baby's mom's kind gesture. This is beyond my wildest imaginations. I also had insane dessert. 3 pieces of cake. I got this mousse that Baby told me to get and it sucked so I didn't finish it. Yuck! Haha...

Oh well, in short, it was a great day. Except for the fact that I have to finish off Baby's PJK Folio just so that she has time to go out with me tomorrow. Cruel life. Oh well, if today was great, I can't wait for tomorrow. I am gonna be freaking 21!