I have never been one to believe that history will ever repeat itself. In fact, I am one to believe that lightning would never strike the same place twice. Today, the hand of the divine has once cast it's flashing bolt of lightning through my mind, my heart, my body and my soul. Lightning has struck on me again.
Approximately two years ago, my ex-girlfriend, MH broke up with me because she believed that she had no feelings for me anymore. One of the main reasons for this lost of love was because I had made the decision to study in the US, one which I am coming to regret at this point in time. I blame my childish dream of wanting to go to the "promised land". The hurt and pain I have to go through today will never be compensated by whatever little knowledge and exposure that I might gain from my short stint in the land of freedom, the land where "all dreams come true".
Back to the story. During the time MH broke up with me, I felt so lost, so confused. I don't even feel like I did anything wrong. I tried my best to hold on to her, I tried my best to give her whatever meagre attention I could during my time away, but nothing beats the intimacy of physical presence. How naive I was for underestimating its significance. It was a pity that I would lose the girl that I would have given everything for. But I guess promises are just never enough.
Anyhow, two years after my sad story, I am staring at history straight at its face yet again. The same familiar story is unfolding itself right before my very eyes and just as it was two years ago, I have no way of stopping it. Just a few hours ago, Ern told me that she doesn't have feelings for me anymore. Initially, I felt my heart dropped, it wasn't like it was sinking slowly like Titanic to the bottom of the ocean, but it was more like the screaming people who jumped from the ship, falling into the sea of darkness, the sea of abandon. Then before you realize the true impact of the situation, the pain and hurt of being rejected, the pain of being betrayed, not by love, but rather, the lack of it, sears through your heart, shredding it like a piece of glass into a million pieces. The deafening sound of breaking glass echoing through the air, and it's the only sound you can hear because you are drowning, alone in the sea of darkness, the sea of abandon.
Some people may say, I am the one asking for trouble. I was fully aware of the risks of having a long distance relationship, yet I chose the road less traversed. Not only did I choose the road less travelled by, I chose the winding road, the road that I know will lead to a cliff and only with a leap of faith shall I realize the rewards of a true believer. I have come to this cliff now. There has never been turning back in life, and there never will be. I have come to this cliff.
I have two choices. One: to take the easy way out, to jump, and wish that at the bottom of this cliff is a great big ocean to cushion my fall, and to wish that hopefully, at the end of this fall, there will be a new road for me, a road to another life, another love, another dream. Two: to take this so called "leap of faith", to go with the unknown, to jump, and hope that I reach the other side, or rather, to hope that there is another side. Or perhaps, I shall fall into this bottomless pit, where I shall keep on falling, forever, never to find out if there was another side, never to find out if I could have reached the other side, never to find out if there was another life to lead at the bottom of my fall, stuck in the sands of time. For those of you who are slower than others, basically, my choices are to get on with life, in search of someone new, OR to hold on to this dream even though as hopeless as it may seem, faith will keep me alive (hopefully). The only drawback is that I shall never find out if there would be another girl, a better one, waiting for me, or another life.
I don't know if I should feel sad, or if I should feel angry, or if I should feel depressed out of my mind, or if I should feel betrayed. I guess I am feeling all of that at the same time. I could never understand how someone can just stop loving the person that they most love just like that. All I can think of is just the lack of effort to think about your partner, the lack of effort to stay in touch... and with all this lack of effort, it just shows that he or she was never really in love all that much in the first place. This just pisses me off. I don't want to be pissed off. Should I feel "oh-so-sad" for my sorry ass? What's there to be sad about? Some say good riddance. But what have I lost? You can't lose what you never had.
Well, there's nothing like having a blog. You can always spill your beans to the world and then retract them later. Looks like I am not going to get any sleep today. I am surprised that I haven't even shed a tear. I guess I already chose my path. The power of hope has the ability to hold a million pieces of glass together, the ability to silence the deafening sound of breaking glass, and best of all, the power of hope allows us to give ourselves a second chance. When our situation is dire and when all avenues seem to lead to certain death, hope can take us out alive.
"Only hope can shine the brightest light in the darkest of hours" - Shihong
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