This cannot be it. Yet it is.For many people, the year ends on the 31st of December. For me, the year ends when a new one begins. For many people, their senior years will seem to be the most significant of their lives up to that point. For me, I just felt like I already had the most significant year of my life up to this point. My junior year was full of ups and downs, and most definitely filled with lots of character building experiences. The first semester of junior year seemed to last longer than all other semesters because of a very special vertically challenged, yet horizontally inclined woman who tried to teach me Statistical Modelling. Plus, I was suffering (I like to think that it was induced by this special woman) from what one of my other professors referred to as "senioritis".
Senioritis: Senioritis is an imaginary syndrome attributed to students nearing the end of high school and college in the United States and Canada. Its symptoms can include laziness, procrastination, apathy toward schoolwork, and truancy.Well, just to clarify, I was most certainly not truant, and definitely not apathetic towards school work. But I was lazy, and I procrastinated. I felt like I needed to get out of college, and do something more practical. But after the long Fall semester ended, I had the great fortune of being able to study abroad in Melbourne. That would probably be the best time of my life, with almost no problems and stress, and also filled with what I reluctantly claim to be, happiness.
However, towards the end of this year, I suffered (not sure if this is the right term, but I will use the word in accordance to what normal people would feel if they had the similar experience) a pretty significant setback. I managed (somehow) to fail my Financial Mathematics final exam which meant that this was my first fail in the history of my life. I am sure many of you feel sorry for me, even those of you who don't know me that well. The trouble with this is, I may have been disappointed for a short while, but for some reason, I can't seem to think of this as a setback. It feels more like an achievement. Mainly because when I keep thinking about why and how I failed the exam, I realized that I have done so much more in terms of my life. I had given my priorities to things that were more important in my life while putting less effort into the exam. I did not expect to fail, don't get me wrong. I did not even give up. But I sure as hell did not study hard enough. I know that for sure because I felt that I needed more time during the exam. This can only happen because of the lack of practice. I know what I lacked. But that was not why I failed, at least not the root of it.
I think I took the path less traveled by. I know many people have read Robert Frost's poem and thought that taking the path less traveled by simply meant choosing the path that is less taken, making an outrageous decision that is contrary to public opinion. But I was later informed that Frost was talking about having two very similar choices, not a choice that fits the norm while another that doesn't. He was talking about making a choice that is less chosen among two very similar and difficult choices. Basically that was what happened before my final exam. I realized that even though doing well in my final exam was very important for my future, I decided that I could afford to not do as well while placing my priorities on where my heart was. I guess Ern's happiness means so much more to me than just a grade on my exam.
That being said, I still feel disappointed about my failure. Many people are shocked, so was I. But in a more positive light, this feels more like an achievement than many of the As that I have throughout college. Not only is this a humbling experience, but it is most definitely eye-opening. Just as Bruce Wayne's father used to ask him when he was a boy,
Bruce, why do we fall? Because we can learn to pick ourselves up.So I cannot say that I actually fell, but in the eyes of many, I probably did. I am not one to dwell on what others think about me. I just know that in light of such events, I realized that by trusting my heart, no matter what happens, even in the face of the darkest hours, I still feel strong and brave and march on.
It is still a black mark in my otherwise clean history. But as they say,
People who have never failed in life have never really succeeded either.Is it as simple as that? The justification of my failure? This cannot be it. Yet it is.
