This is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill
Fifteen percent concentrated power of will
Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain
And a hundred percent reason to remember the name!
- FoRT MiNoR -
These words keep ringing in my ears for some reason. I think if you read it enough times, it should inspire you. Or if reading is not your thing, try the song. I think it's great.
Wednesday, July 5, 2006
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
History Repeats Itself
I have never been one to believe that history will ever repeat itself. In fact, I am one to believe that lightning would never strike the same place twice. Today, the hand of the divine has once cast it's flashing bolt of lightning through my mind, my heart, my body and my soul. Lightning has struck on me again.
Approximately two years ago, my ex-girlfriend, MH broke up with me because she believed that she had no feelings for me anymore. One of the main reasons for this lost of love was because I had made the decision to study in the US, one which I am coming to regret at this point in time. I blame my childish dream of wanting to go to the "promised land". The hurt and pain I have to go through today will never be compensated by whatever little knowledge and exposure that I might gain from my short stint in the land of freedom, the land where "all dreams come true".
Back to the story. During the time MH broke up with me, I felt so lost, so confused. I don't even feel like I did anything wrong. I tried my best to hold on to her, I tried my best to give her whatever meagre attention I could during my time away, but nothing beats the intimacy of physical presence. How naive I was for underestimating its significance. It was a pity that I would lose the girl that I would have given everything for. But I guess promises are just never enough.
Anyhow, two years after my sad story, I am staring at history straight at its face yet again. The same familiar story is unfolding itself right before my very eyes and just as it was two years ago, I have no way of stopping it. Just a few hours ago, Ern told me that she doesn't have feelings for me anymore. Initially, I felt my heart dropped, it wasn't like it was sinking slowly like Titanic to the bottom of the ocean, but it was more like the screaming people who jumped from the ship, falling into the sea of darkness, the sea of abandon. Then before you realize the true impact of the situation, the pain and hurt of being rejected, the pain of being betrayed, not by love, but rather, the lack of it, sears through your heart, shredding it like a piece of glass into a million pieces. The deafening sound of breaking glass echoing through the air, and it's the only sound you can hear because you are drowning, alone in the sea of darkness, the sea of abandon.
Some people may say, I am the one asking for trouble. I was fully aware of the risks of having a long distance relationship, yet I chose the road less traversed. Not only did I choose the road less travelled by, I chose the winding road, the road that I know will lead to a cliff and only with a leap of faith shall I realize the rewards of a true believer. I have come to this cliff now. There has never been turning back in life, and there never will be. I have come to this cliff.
I have two choices. One: to take the easy way out, to jump, and wish that at the bottom of this cliff is a great big ocean to cushion my fall, and to wish that hopefully, at the end of this fall, there will be a new road for me, a road to another life, another love, another dream. Two: to take this so called "leap of faith", to go with the unknown, to jump, and hope that I reach the other side, or rather, to hope that there is another side. Or perhaps, I shall fall into this bottomless pit, where I shall keep on falling, forever, never to find out if there was another side, never to find out if I could have reached the other side, never to find out if there was another life to lead at the bottom of my fall, stuck in the sands of time. For those of you who are slower than others, basically, my choices are to get on with life, in search of someone new, OR to hold on to this dream even though as hopeless as it may seem, faith will keep me alive (hopefully). The only drawback is that I shall never find out if there would be another girl, a better one, waiting for me, or another life.
I don't know if I should feel sad, or if I should feel angry, or if I should feel depressed out of my mind, or if I should feel betrayed. I guess I am feeling all of that at the same time. I could never understand how someone can just stop loving the person that they most love just like that. All I can think of is just the lack of effort to think about your partner, the lack of effort to stay in touch... and with all this lack of effort, it just shows that he or she was never really in love all that much in the first place. This just pisses me off. I don't want to be pissed off. Should I feel "oh-so-sad" for my sorry ass? What's there to be sad about? Some say good riddance. But what have I lost? You can't lose what you never had.
Well, there's nothing like having a blog. You can always spill your beans to the world and then retract them later. Looks like I am not going to get any sleep today. I am surprised that I haven't even shed a tear. I guess I already chose my path. The power of hope has the ability to hold a million pieces of glass together, the ability to silence the deafening sound of breaking glass, and best of all, the power of hope allows us to give ourselves a second chance. When our situation is dire and when all avenues seem to lead to certain death, hope can take us out alive.
"Only hope can shine the brightest light in the darkest of hours" - Shihong
Approximately two years ago, my ex-girlfriend, MH broke up with me because she believed that she had no feelings for me anymore. One of the main reasons for this lost of love was because I had made the decision to study in the US, one which I am coming to regret at this point in time. I blame my childish dream of wanting to go to the "promised land". The hurt and pain I have to go through today will never be compensated by whatever little knowledge and exposure that I might gain from my short stint in the land of freedom, the land where "all dreams come true".
Back to the story. During the time MH broke up with me, I felt so lost, so confused. I don't even feel like I did anything wrong. I tried my best to hold on to her, I tried my best to give her whatever meagre attention I could during my time away, but nothing beats the intimacy of physical presence. How naive I was for underestimating its significance. It was a pity that I would lose the girl that I would have given everything for. But I guess promises are just never enough.
Anyhow, two years after my sad story, I am staring at history straight at its face yet again. The same familiar story is unfolding itself right before my very eyes and just as it was two years ago, I have no way of stopping it. Just a few hours ago, Ern told me that she doesn't have feelings for me anymore. Initially, I felt my heart dropped, it wasn't like it was sinking slowly like Titanic to the bottom of the ocean, but it was more like the screaming people who jumped from the ship, falling into the sea of darkness, the sea of abandon. Then before you realize the true impact of the situation, the pain and hurt of being rejected, the pain of being betrayed, not by love, but rather, the lack of it, sears through your heart, shredding it like a piece of glass into a million pieces. The deafening sound of breaking glass echoing through the air, and it's the only sound you can hear because you are drowning, alone in the sea of darkness, the sea of abandon.
Some people may say, I am the one asking for trouble. I was fully aware of the risks of having a long distance relationship, yet I chose the road less traversed. Not only did I choose the road less travelled by, I chose the winding road, the road that I know will lead to a cliff and only with a leap of faith shall I realize the rewards of a true believer. I have come to this cliff now. There has never been turning back in life, and there never will be. I have come to this cliff.
I have two choices. One: to take the easy way out, to jump, and wish that at the bottom of this cliff is a great big ocean to cushion my fall, and to wish that hopefully, at the end of this fall, there will be a new road for me, a road to another life, another love, another dream. Two: to take this so called "leap of faith", to go with the unknown, to jump, and hope that I reach the other side, or rather, to hope that there is another side. Or perhaps, I shall fall into this bottomless pit, where I shall keep on falling, forever, never to find out if there was another side, never to find out if I could have reached the other side, never to find out if there was another life to lead at the bottom of my fall, stuck in the sands of time. For those of you who are slower than others, basically, my choices are to get on with life, in search of someone new, OR to hold on to this dream even though as hopeless as it may seem, faith will keep me alive (hopefully). The only drawback is that I shall never find out if there would be another girl, a better one, waiting for me, or another life.
I don't know if I should feel sad, or if I should feel angry, or if I should feel depressed out of my mind, or if I should feel betrayed. I guess I am feeling all of that at the same time. I could never understand how someone can just stop loving the person that they most love just like that. All I can think of is just the lack of effort to think about your partner, the lack of effort to stay in touch... and with all this lack of effort, it just shows that he or she was never really in love all that much in the first place. This just pisses me off. I don't want to be pissed off. Should I feel "oh-so-sad" for my sorry ass? What's there to be sad about? Some say good riddance. But what have I lost? You can't lose what you never had.
Well, there's nothing like having a blog. You can always spill your beans to the world and then retract them later. Looks like I am not going to get any sleep today. I am surprised that I haven't even shed a tear. I guess I already chose my path. The power of hope has the ability to hold a million pieces of glass together, the ability to silence the deafening sound of breaking glass, and best of all, the power of hope allows us to give ourselves a second chance. When our situation is dire and when all avenues seem to lead to certain death, hope can take us out alive.
"Only hope can shine the brightest light in the darkest of hours" - Shihong
Sunday, June 25, 2006
You can only have it once
It is so cliched for people to say that we often watch life go by without finding time to stand and stare. In other words, people oftentimes do not show enough appreciation towards the great things in life that they have been blessed with. This sounds so boring. They then add that "We don't know what we have until it's gone". How naive!
I had it. I held on to it as hard as I could. I appreciated every single moment of it. I would love to just have it for one little moment once again. It's not true. I knew right from the start what I stand to lose even before it was gone. It's not true. The reason why we don't find time to stand and stare, and to appreciate the beautiful things in life is that we have found a special something so beautiful that everything else just seems to pass us by. Nothing else really mattered. Some people get it, and get to hold on to it forever. Others, they get it, and lose it forever. Whatever it is, you can only have it once. I had it once.
I had it. I held on to it as hard as I could. I appreciated every single moment of it. I would love to just have it for one little moment once again. It's not true. I knew right from the start what I stand to lose even before it was gone. It's not true. The reason why we don't find time to stand and stare, and to appreciate the beautiful things in life is that we have found a special something so beautiful that everything else just seems to pass us by. Nothing else really mattered. Some people get it, and get to hold on to it forever. Others, they get it, and lose it forever. Whatever it is, you can only have it once. I had it once.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Sometimes...
I'm just feeling a little nostalgic. Just posting songs that talk about my life in the past and also the lessons I've learnt.
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Too Serious Too Soon
I wonder where you where
I wonder what your thinking about tonight
I wonder
Maybe your alone
Maybe you’ve been crying just like me
I wonder
I don’t know why I lost your touch
Maybe I wanted to be loved too much
Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me
I wanted to be there for you like no one else before
Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me
It’s been a rainy afternoon
Now I’m staring at the moon
Thinking we got too serious, too soon
I told you every day
I told you every night in every way
I love you
Maybe you got scared
Maybe I have nothing else to say
But I love you
So baby now my life’s a mess
Cause i’m
Cos I couldn’t love you any less
Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me
I wanted to be there for you like no one else before
Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me
It’s been a rainy afternoon
Now I’m staring at the moon
Thinking we got too serious, too soon
Too soon
It’s not right
It’s not fair
It’s in you baby cuts like a knife
What if you were the love of my life
Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me
I wanted to be there for you like no one else before
Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me
We got too serious to soon
I wanted to be there for you like no one else before
Too serious too soon
I wanted you too love me
It’s been a rainy afternoon
Now I’m staring at the moon
Thinking we got too serious, too soon
To that special someone. You may never realize who you are, even if you are reading this, but this song says what I have always wanted to say to you. It's been a pleasure.
I wonder what your thinking about tonight
I wonder
Maybe your alone
Maybe you’ve been crying just like me
I wonder
I don’t know why I lost your touch
Maybe I wanted to be loved too much
Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me
I wanted to be there for you like no one else before
Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me
It’s been a rainy afternoon
Now I’m staring at the moon
Thinking we got too serious, too soon
I told you every day
I told you every night in every way
I love you
Maybe you got scared
Maybe I have nothing else to say
But I love you
So baby now my life’s a mess
Cause i’m
Cos I couldn’t love you any less
Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me
I wanted to be there for you like no one else before
Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me
It’s been a rainy afternoon
Now I’m staring at the moon
Thinking we got too serious, too soon
Too soon
It’s not right
It’s not fair
It’s in you baby cuts like a knife
What if you were the love of my life
Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me
I wanted to be there for you like no one else before
Too serious, too soon
I wanted you to love me
We got too serious to soon
I wanted to be there for you like no one else before
Too serious too soon
I wanted you too love me
It’s been a rainy afternoon
Now I’m staring at the moon
Thinking we got too serious, too soon
To that special someone. You may never realize who you are, even if you are reading this, but this song says what I have always wanted to say to you. It's been a pleasure.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
No Restraints... But Regrets?
Now, more than one person has said this to me: "You are so confident about what you think that you do not care about what others feel. You do not give a damn about what other people think about you. How do you expect people to listen to you?"
The first time I heard similar words was from the mouth of my girlfriend. I always thought that we should be ourselves as we should be accepted as being who we are. When I heard that phrase the second time just this morning, I realized that I have never hid who I am. But that was just an excuse for me; an excuse to hide my inability to restrain myself. Why do I always feel that I am so right? Because I am? Well, that's not the important question. Why can't I ever learn to listen to people? Why do I not have the patience to play along? It's not because I do not care about how other people feel. It's actually because I do. The problem with me is that I expect everyone to think like me. I am the kind of person that gets things done. If I have a problem, I find out what I can and cannot do, and I do what I can and leave the rest to fate (another way of saying that I am satisfied with my efforts, especially if I did my best).
Some other people, like to dwell on problems. It is as if they love the misery. But in reality, it's most likely that this is not the case. I apologize for saying what I did to you (you know who you are). However, apologies are always too little too late. I have promised Li Ern never to succumb to my rashness, but I have done it again. But at least this time, it's not towards her. Apparently she approves if I do it against other people. As long as she doesn't have to face my wrath (is it really that scary to hear the truth?)
The cons of knowing someone like me is that you hear things you don't want to hear about yourself. I am a straightforward as I come. No restraints. I used to believe that I have no regrets. Wonders of having a love life. Life-altering experience. Sacrifice, patience, perseverence: it takes more to love someone than to make Powerpuff girls. The only moments in life that can make you happy and sad at the same time. That's when you know you're in love (That's how I tell, I guess).
Anyways, enough about the cheesy stuff. Back to reality. Change is in accord. I have a previous blog regarding promises. The rules of promises. Never make a promise you can't keep. I promised I will change. I promise to keep my promise.
The first time I heard similar words was from the mouth of my girlfriend. I always thought that we should be ourselves as we should be accepted as being who we are. When I heard that phrase the second time just this morning, I realized that I have never hid who I am. But that was just an excuse for me; an excuse to hide my inability to restrain myself. Why do I always feel that I am so right? Because I am? Well, that's not the important question. Why can't I ever learn to listen to people? Why do I not have the patience to play along? It's not because I do not care about how other people feel. It's actually because I do. The problem with me is that I expect everyone to think like me. I am the kind of person that gets things done. If I have a problem, I find out what I can and cannot do, and I do what I can and leave the rest to fate (another way of saying that I am satisfied with my efforts, especially if I did my best).
Some other people, like to dwell on problems. It is as if they love the misery. But in reality, it's most likely that this is not the case. I apologize for saying what I did to you (you know who you are). However, apologies are always too little too late. I have promised Li Ern never to succumb to my rashness, but I have done it again. But at least this time, it's not towards her. Apparently she approves if I do it against other people. As long as she doesn't have to face my wrath (is it really that scary to hear the truth?)
The cons of knowing someone like me is that you hear things you don't want to hear about yourself. I am a straightforward as I come. No restraints. I used to believe that I have no regrets. Wonders of having a love life. Life-altering experience. Sacrifice, patience, perseverence: it takes more to love someone than to make Powerpuff girls. The only moments in life that can make you happy and sad at the same time. That's when you know you're in love (That's how I tell, I guess).
Anyways, enough about the cheesy stuff. Back to reality. Change is in accord. I have a previous blog regarding promises. The rules of promises. Never make a promise you can't keep. I promised I will change. I promise to keep my promise.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
About Teaching How to Fish...
I have been gone for 2 days, well, gone as in, gone from the on-line world. I was away at a chess camp for the Penang State Team. My duty there was to coach the Penang state team in preparation for the coming MSSM. One of the hardest questions that I am asked quite frequently is, what subject matter should you touch on when you coach the elite of the junior chess players in Penang.
Last year, I gave a lecture on "How to plan?". I used Stephen Covey's idea of "Begin with the end in mind" to help the students think of plans during their games. I do not believe in teaching students about where to move, and where you should put your pieces, etc. In short, I do not believe in giving the fish to people. I believe in teaching them how to fish. Hence, by teaching them how to plan, in a way teaches them how to think in chess. Now, instead of just having moves to follow from chess books, the students will be able to formulate plans for themselves. Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day, teach a man how to fish, and he is fed for life.
So this year, in accordance to my believes in improving as a chess player, I decided to talk about "How not to lose a losing game?" What a fascinating topic. One can almost believe that I can perform miracles. I just used a catchy title but my most important point is that even though it is frustrating to play in a losing position, we can try to make it very difficult for the opponent to win. It is more frustrating not being able to win a won game than to play a losing game.
In addition, I also believe that there is more to my teachings than just about chess. I believe that my lessons can also be applied in life. Stephen Covey's idea clearly functions as one of the seven habits of highly successful people. Also, the idea about making it difficult for your opponent to win is a way of overcoming tough situations. Even though we might face tremendous odds, we should still perservere. Even when frustration kicks in, patience will give us a chance to overcome the odds.
So, if you are reading this, you have just learnt 2 important lessons about life. Pay it forward!
Last year, I gave a lecture on "How to plan?". I used Stephen Covey's idea of "Begin with the end in mind" to help the students think of plans during their games. I do not believe in teaching students about where to move, and where you should put your pieces, etc. In short, I do not believe in giving the fish to people. I believe in teaching them how to fish. Hence, by teaching them how to plan, in a way teaches them how to think in chess. Now, instead of just having moves to follow from chess books, the students will be able to formulate plans for themselves. Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day, teach a man how to fish, and he is fed for life.
So this year, in accordance to my believes in improving as a chess player, I decided to talk about "How not to lose a losing game?" What a fascinating topic. One can almost believe that I can perform miracles. I just used a catchy title but my most important point is that even though it is frustrating to play in a losing position, we can try to make it very difficult for the opponent to win. It is more frustrating not being able to win a won game than to play a losing game.
In addition, I also believe that there is more to my teachings than just about chess. I believe that my lessons can also be applied in life. Stephen Covey's idea clearly functions as one of the seven habits of highly successful people. Also, the idea about making it difficult for your opponent to win is a way of overcoming tough situations. Even though we might face tremendous odds, we should still perservere. Even when frustration kicks in, patience will give us a chance to overcome the odds.
So, if you are reading this, you have just learnt 2 important lessons about life. Pay it forward!
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