The Big 400

Wow, ever since I started the Web Counter thing, I really didn't expect my blog to have so many visitors. For those of you who have constantly checked up on my blog, I thank you. Not because for boosting my number of visitors. Not because you visited my blog. I thank you because you feel concerned about me (OK, I will take your curiosity as concern). It is an honor for me that you, my friends, have shown the care to even take a look at what ramblings I have. OK, they are not ramblings, I make meaningful posts and my intention is so that people can learn from my thoughts and mistakes. You have played a part in my noble cause, one way or another. You may choose to extend your part by sharing the lessons you have learnt here or forwarding your friends to my blog. Today is a special day because at this instant, my blog has had exactly 400 visits (not all of them from different people). A big thank you to all of you, for being my friends.

The Bucknell I Know

For some reason, this year feels so different from the rest of the years I have had at Bucknell. So far, I haven't played a single game of Warcraft on BattleNet. So far, I am still very focused on getting things done. So far, I am still in the mood to do work. So far, I feel so energized. I remember just last year, I wasn't really all that into Bucknell. Maybe because I was leaving a large part of me behind in Malaysia. Somehow, this year feels different. Even though I did leave a large part of me behind, it feels as if I am not going to be away for long.

I am really looking forward to getting things in motion, going out there to do my best. Last semester, I thought I was going to score a 4.0 GPA or something, but within a few weeks, I realized how foolish I was to think that I could. Number Theory killed me. Even without that, I had Modern Development of Philosophy and that, even though wasn't too hard, it was almost impossible (for me) to get an A. I ended up with an A- and a humbling experience.

But once bitten, not yet shy is what I say. I am aiming for a 4.o all over again. This is in view of the fact that I am taking 5 subjects and "easier" ones at that. Computer Science (Java 5) should not cause too many problems, while the 2 Math courses really depend on my effort. Econ 258 sounds difficult, being a W2, and also especially since I have 2 W2 courses this semester. Finally, I have this Intro to Cultural Anthropology which sounds fun. I mean I just came back from our first class and the teacher seems really great!

Good start to a hopefully good semester, even though things just don't feel the same at Bucknell anymore.

V for Vendetta

Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.

I am still figuring what this really means as I post this. If you do that before I do, please enlighten me. As most of you would realize from the title, if not having watched the movie, I took this from the movie V for Vendetta. If this quote alone is not enough to make you watch this movie, I don't know what is. It's just cool just to hear him say it. You will be like, "WTF?". Don't say I didn't warn you.

Our Deepest Fear

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

- Marrianne Williamson -

Time of Your Life

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

- Greenday -

I can't talk about my holiday and about where I just went or what I did in the past few weeks. But I most certainly did have the time of my life. This is the kind of happiness that can never be bought. Thank you for this chance.

Remember The Name

This is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill
Fifteen percent concentrated power of will
Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain
And a hundred percent reason to remember the name!

- FoRT MiNoR -

These words keep ringing in my ears for some reason. I think if you read it enough times, it should inspire you. Or if reading is not your thing, try the song. I think it's great.

History Repeats Itself

I have never been one to believe that history will ever repeat itself. In fact, I am one to believe that lightning would never strike the same place twice. Today, the hand of the divine has once cast it's flashing bolt of lightning through my mind, my heart, my body and my soul. Lightning has struck on me again.

Approximately two years ago, my ex-girlfriend, MH broke up with me because she believed that she had no feelings for me anymore. One of the main reasons for this lost of love was because I had made the decision to study in the US, one which I am coming to regret at this point in time. I blame my childish dream of wanting to go to the "promised land". The hurt and pain I have to go through today will never be compensated by whatever little knowledge and exposure that I might gain from my short stint in the land of freedom, the land where "all dreams come true".

Back to the story. During the time MH broke up with me, I felt so lost, so confused. I don't even feel like I did anything wrong. I tried my best to hold on to her, I tried my best to give her whatever meagre attention I could during my time away, but nothing beats the intimacy of physical presence. How naive I was for underestimating its significance. It was a pity that I would lose the girl that I would have given everything for. But I guess promises are just never enough.

Anyhow, two years after my sad story, I am staring at history straight at its face yet again. The same familiar story is unfolding itself right before my very eyes and just as it was two years ago, I have no way of stopping it. Just a few hours ago, Ern told me that she doesn't have feelings for me anymore. Initially, I felt my heart dropped, it wasn't like it was sinking slowly like Titanic to the bottom of the ocean, but it was more like the screaming people who jumped from the ship, falling into the sea of darkness, the sea of abandon. Then before you realize the true impact of the situation, the pain and hurt of being rejected, the pain of being betrayed, not by love, but rather, the lack of it, sears through your heart, shredding it like a piece of glass into a million pieces. The deafening sound of breaking glass echoing through the air, and it's the only sound you can hear because you are drowning, alone in the sea of darkness, the sea of abandon.

Some people may say, I am the one asking for trouble. I was fully aware of the risks of having a long distance relationship, yet I chose the road less traversed. Not only did I choose the road less travelled by, I chose the winding road, the road that I know will lead to a cliff and only with a leap of faith shall I realize the rewards of a true believer. I have come to this cliff now. There has never been turning back in life, and there never will be. I have come to this cliff.

I have two choices. One: to take the easy way out, to jump, and wish that at the bottom of this cliff is a great big ocean to cushion my fall, and to wish that hopefully, at the end of this fall, there will be a new road for me, a road to another life, another love, another dream. Two: to take this so called "leap of faith", to go with the unknown, to jump, and hope that I reach the other side, or rather, to hope that there is another side. Or perhaps, I shall fall into this bottomless pit, where I shall keep on falling, forever, never to find out if there was another side, never to find out if I could have reached the other side, never to find out if there was another life to lead at the bottom of my fall, stuck in the sands of time. For those of you who are slower than others, basically, my choices are to get on with life, in search of someone new, OR to hold on to this dream even though as hopeless as it may seem, faith will keep me alive (hopefully). The only drawback is that I shall never find out if there would be another girl, a better one, waiting for me, or another life.

I don't know if I should feel sad, or if I should feel angry, or if I should feel depressed out of my mind, or if I should feel betrayed. I guess I am feeling all of that at the same time. I could never understand how someone can just stop loving the person that they most love just like that. All I can think of is just the lack of effort to think about your partner, the lack of effort to stay in touch... and with all this lack of effort, it just shows that he or she was never really in love all that much in the first place. This just pisses me off. I don't want to be pissed off. Should I feel "oh-so-sad" for my sorry ass? What's there to be sad about? Some say good riddance. But what have I lost? You can't lose what you never had.

Well, there's nothing like having a blog. You can always spill your beans to the world and then retract them later. Looks like I am not going to get any sleep today. I am surprised that I haven't even shed a tear. I guess I already chose my path. The power of hope has the ability to hold a million pieces of glass together, the ability to silence the deafening sound of breaking glass, and best of all, the power of hope allows us to give ourselves a second chance. When our situation is dire and when all avenues seem to lead to certain death, hope can take us out alive.

"Only hope can shine the brightest light in the darkest of hours" - Shihong